“When the kids are older, you’ll have time for love.”
“You don’t have time for love now, but once your girls are off at college you’ll find it.”
“You’re too busy now, but love will find you when you have time to focus on yourself, when your kids are older and don’t need you so much.”
“Your life is so full now. You’ve devoted all of that love energy to your children, to your work, to making the world better. When you put it out to the universe that you’re ready for love, when you make time for it, it will find you.”
“Right now, you don’t have time for love. You have children to raise. But they’ll grow up and then you’ll see, you’ll find the perfect person.”
These are a few of the variations on the piece of encouragement I’ve received more often than any other regarding my single mother single-ness. I’ve heard this from men in my bed, from friends over drinks and on walks, and from my own parents over dinner. And despite my familiarity with this piece of supposed inspiration, it irks me each time someone shares it with me. Actually, at this point, seven years into my single motherhood, it’s becoming more than irksome; it’s starting to really piss me off. So instead of attacking friends, family, and fuck buddies, I’ll explain myself here.
Why don’t I care for this bit of encouragement? Let me tell you:
- Because I very much doubt that anyone gives this advice to single fathers. We seem to have internalized the idea that single mothers cannot love their children and men (even just one man) at the same time. Single fathers, on the other hand, are seen as fully capable of loving their children and women at the same time (one woman, two women, or many more). In fact, I’m under the impression that single dads are often urged to find a new partner ASAP, for the benefit of their children and the new woman lucky enough to help raise them.*
- Because I don’t believe that married or otherwise seriously committed couples are urged to split up when they have children because they’ll now be too busy with their offspring to love each other. No, indeed, we spend time encouraging them to remember each other, to set time aside to keep the fire of love and lust burning. It seems that married love and children go together well.
- Because I don’t believe anyone tells men who are involved in engrossing work projects or hobbies that they don’t have time for love. Again, I’m under the impression that such men are usually encouraged to pursue love, or at least lustful company.
- Because love is one thing that never has operated on a scarcity model. Love begets love begets love. It’s not just a platitude, it’s the truth. The Truth.
So this particular encouragement people like to offer looks to me like an unintentional serving of sexism. I know the people who have given me this advice usually love me (in the case of family and friends) or at least fancy me enough to spend a night or two in my bed. No one of them means to serve the patriarchy, but that’s surely what this seems to be.
I submit that single women have it in us to love our children and a romantic partner (or more than one, even) *at the same time*. I’ll even go further: I submit that we single women can love our children, love our work, serve the world, and love our partners without shortchanging any one of these parties, including ourselves. Divorce or never-married-ness does not damage our ability to love, to be present in an adult romance, to be part of a partnership.
If you want to encourage me, please forget about love and inspire me with poems or songs or stories about other worthy things.
*I know this section here smacks of heteronormative bias. As a hetero woman, I only get heteronormative advice, so that’s what I’m addressing here.
The Witch of Gazzam Pond 